They had ONE job to do:

 

 

Dying With Dignity

 

I  wish to inform my family and friends that I will  not be able to afford an expensive  nursing home which would not allow me to die with Dignity.  Therefore I have moved to  Thailand so that I can enjoy my final years enjoying my life with Dignity! Oh,  and by the way .......

Dignity said to say hello!

 

 

Sorry guys, I had to Photoshop the picture of 'Dignity' so I could post it in public.

Alerts To Threats In Europe

Snopes states that John Cleese did not write this even though it sounds like him. It’s very funny, anyway.

 ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
 
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
 

 

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Old Rooster...

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all.  When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.  Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Wyoming County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.   Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'
theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Dodgy British News Articles:

Awww DAD! This one will need a vulgarity alert too.

 

The P-word Song from America's Got Talent

DAD! You crack me up!I had never heard this naughty song before, and I laughed right out loud when you sent it.  Thank you, I'm hoping my friends like it as much as I did.

If you watch America’s Got Talent, you’ve seen this—If not, you’re in for a hilarious treat.  Enjoy!

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time",

said Claude.

 

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully
withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold   pocket watch and chain.

 "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch", said Claude,

holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations", said Claude.

 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while

quietly chanting. 

"Watch the watch ---
 Watch the watch ---
 Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
 

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its
gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.  And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact......"SHIT", said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1: 

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..   

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 Moral of the story: 

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

 

 

 

Lesson 2: 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in  Hawaii    , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: 

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3: 

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4: 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'   

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... 

 

Lesson 5:

 

 

A man offered a woman a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The man nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The woman said, 'Remember Psalm 129?'

The man removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The woman once again said, 'Remember Psalm 129?'

The man apologized 'Sorry but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the her home, the woman sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the man rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story: 

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

Marital Misunderstanding

I love this one... Thanks for the joke Dad. :-)   How men and women record things in their diaries. Wife's Diary:  Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.  Husband's Diary: A two-foot putt ... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

Winter Weather Warning!

Winter Weather Warning!

The federal government has issued the following travel warning..........

Anyone traveling in blizzard conditions should carry the following:

1. Shovel.
2. Blankets or sleeping bag.
3. Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.
3. 24 hours' worth of food.
5. De-icer.
6. Rocksalt.
7. Flashlight with spare batteries.
8. Road flares or reflective triangles.
9. Full spare gas can.
10. First aid kit.
11. Booster cables.

 

(I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning)

The Night Nurse

Vulgarity warning: This is a very typical Dad-type Joke. Do not read if you are easily offended.

 

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 16-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

 

'Well, that's great...that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!'

Dad's Diddies:

We had an outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.  Then, I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off, it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.  I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

                         \\|//

                        (o o)
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------
 

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence."

 

"Life is tough and it is tougher when you are stupid". - John Wayne

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid!

The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

 

 

 

THE  BLONDE AND THE LORD A  blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and  finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the  ice.  After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a  circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice  boomed, "THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled,  the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos  of  Cappuccino,  and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the  voice bellowed, "THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The  blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end  of the  ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The  voice came once more, "THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward!  And said,  "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

 

Sex After Surgery

 

A recent article in the Wellington newspaper, the Dominion Post, reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, had sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had lost all interest in sex following surgery there.

 A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

When Grandma Goes to Court